My situation was similar. I had a guy in high school that I was "friends with benefits" with. It went on for years- junior year of HS through probably junior year of college. We'd see each other when I was home for holiday breaks, on and off when I was between boyfriends. We were on the sailing team together in HS, and it sort of felt like dating a coworker so we kept it on the DL around the rest of the team, but all my girlfriends knew about it. He's a nice guy, super cute, but he smoked a lot of pot and was generally unmotivated, so not relationship material for me. I guess sometimes girls can be like guys and just see you as a piece of ass too. 😉😋

Hahaha. It was reverse for me. She dated bad boys. Cheer leader, and prom queen. I was always the “straight man”. Quiet, smart, different. It was a really small town here at the time, so silence was key. I have never been considered particularly attractive, but I offered 2 things. I knew how to keep my mouth shut, and I had no boundaries when it came to fun time.

I lived a second life for several years  this way. I am sure that she talked to some of her girlfriends, as I was passed around to several girls in the same circle. The arrangement was never discussed. Keep your mouth shut, and act as nothing has ever happened. In public, I was completely ignored. My best friend (who fashioned himself as the resident player) used to give me such a hard time because I was never aggressive enough when chasing women. He had no clue......and still does not to this day. I will run into one of them every once in a while. Just a passing smile and a glance, then everyone moves on.

Girls are so much more devious............and I love it

Hahaha far from baller. I just provided a much needed alternative. I am the absolute most boring guy ever.

( I do love pearl clutching moments though)

It is ironic how things turned out. I fell for the unattainable one. We dated, got engaged, and married in the span of 3 years. I never even laid eyes on the “goods” until our wedding night. She is a very virtuous woman. So much so that she has never even used BC. I committed, 5 years later we had a child. She went into mommy mode, and never came back. I am a man of my word, and she is my best friend. I love her dearly with all of my being. But, I do miss the intimacy (amongst other things) beyond words.

Please ladies. Do not forget your man. He may be a pain in the ass and do stupid things. But he is human too. Not all men are as patient or committed as I. You may even enjoy it as well.

*stepping off soapbox now.

Last edited by Karma (12/16/2017 3:31 pm)

I'm sorry Karma, that must be hard. I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you. Maybe once the nest is empty things will heat up again. 😉

I don't have any kids and don't plan to, but a lot of my friends do and most of them say they haven't been with their husband in a couple of years. 😳 So you're definitely not alone. Even without kids, it still feels like an effort sometimes because we're always so busy/tired. I can't imagine throwing kids on top of everything.

Karma wrote:

Yeah.....2001 was the last time that I was allowed in the funhouse. Do not pity me, but do not let your husbands become me.

She never warmed to the idea of sex in the first place. In a way, I am married to Taylor. Very independent, strong willed, and dislikes my touch. When I lost all of that weight it was to try and impress her. It only proved that she chose me for me and not my appearance.

 
2001? I think your wife might be a lot like Taylor! 😂

I blamed myself for many years. Then I accepted that this is who she is. Her body, her choice.

Karma, I have to chime in and say that I truly hope you and your wife have talked about this issue in depth, and have at the *very* least tried counseling. No intimacy for 16 years should not be something one has to "endure" in a true partnership. I think it's lovely (but bordering on masochistic) that you are committed, and I hope you don't get defensive, but this is really beyond the pale. It's actually a form of psychological/emotional abuse, and it just makes me so sad that it seems you've just accepted there is no hope. I truly hope you pursue getting some couples counseling, and persuade your wife into getting some much needed therapy. You deserve a spouse who respects your needs as well. 16 years!!! It blows my mind.

Last edited by Husbandpillow (12/19/2017 1:52 am)

Husbandpillow wrote:

Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't blame him for trying to get with her sister lol. He's been deprived of physical intimacy for 16 f'ing years! That is not right or nornsl in a healthy relationship.

 
That’s just so sad

The 16 years, not the sister! It’s wonderful to have a great friendship, that’s not a great marriage though I wouldn’t think 😕

Husbandpillow wrote:

Karma, I have to chime in and say that I truly hope you and your wife have talked about this issue in depth, and have at the *very* least tried counseling. No intimacy for 16 years should not be something one has to "endure" in a true partnership. I think it's lovely (but bordering on masochistic) that you are committed, and I hope you don't get defensive, but this is really beyond the pale. It's actually a form of psychological/emotional abuse, and it just makes me so sad that it seems you've just accepted there is no hope. I truly hope you pursue getting some couples counseling, and persuade your wife into getting some much needed therapy. You deserve a spouse who respects your needs as well. 16 years!!! It blows my mind.

 
I am not offended in the least. I am kind of an open page. I am anonymous here so I can basically just put things out there. I am trying to provide an exclusive look into a male mind and perspective. This is a very polarizing subject.

I asked for counseling years ago, and she is totally against the idea. She has stated that she feels that the current arrangement is good, and that I need to just understand that this is who she is. I, in good faith am respectful of others wishes. Especially when it comes to subjects involving this kind of nature. This is why the whole “sexual misconduct “thing hits a very sour note for me. If I, a man who is married to a woman in a sexless marriage can control myself. Why can’t other men?

Now, TBH it has been unpleasant and extremely frustrating over the years. This has been the catalyst for many uncomfortable nights where I was not such a peach to live with. And, to this day, I still do not understand, because I have never been given an explanation as to why things are this way. If I knew, then I would fix it. Because I can not even remember what it feels like anymore. Other than the physical aspect, we have a model union. We rarely fight, we do things together like vacation, shop, ext. we agree on how we have raised our child. But, by all means this does not make me ok with the lack of intimacy. I am tolerant of the bad, because I want to do good.

I took it very personal for a great many years, and still do to a certain extent. I feel as if I have done everything that I know how to make things happen. She just does not dig it. And I just could not “force” someone to do something that they do not wish to do.

My thoughts are scattered, please excuse any lack of coherent replying. I will finish this wall of text with two statements. 1. I am not looking for sympathy, but I will be as open and accessible as I can. This may include sensitivie subjects. I am cool with that. 2. I will never hit on any of you, basically because that is what most men would do in this situation, and that is not cool. I have earned trust here. I plan on keeping it.

Ok Karma, I sympathize. What a difficult situation but I must say you are a man of true integrity and faithfulness in the institute of marriage to have endured for so long. Is it possible she had some sort of childhood trauma that turned off to sex or intimacy?

I have a good friend- I'll call her Sheila. She is married to one of my good guy friends (I knew him first through my husband, but her and I got to be good friends once they started dating). So her husband has confided in my husband and I that he is in a sexless marriage- this was about 5 years ago. Sheila has said the same thing, and it is because of her. She says just doesn't like having sex, never gets turned on, never is in the mood. It actually bothers her but she doesn't know what to do about it. She comes from an extremely Catholic family, and she got knocked up by an abusive boyfriend when she was 20 and unmarried. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well with her religious family or her church community- she endured a lot of shame over that. I can't help but wonder if it didn't start there, because she was actually a bit promiscuous in her early college years, so she seemed to enjoy sex then. I've toyed with the idea that she may be gay because anytime she gets drunk when we are out having girls nights, she will out of nowhere kiss one us- intimately. So she must crave some sort of intimacy but not with her husband. She said she has watched porn and feels nothing, her libido is just damned near non-existent. She has no idea what to do- they have tried marriage counseling but so far it hasn't worked. The marriage is falling apart- they are both so angry with each other they barely speak a kind word to one another, even front of us friends. It's sad, and tragic, and divorce is inevitable I think. Both being Catholic neither one wants to be the one to "pull the plug" though, as it's going to be a big deal to their families if they do. It's a mess. 

So I guess at least you have some aspects of your relationship that are great, it certainly could be worse. But I hate that you feel so resigned to this life....I wish I had advice that you haven't already tried, but I don't. Any help I've given this couple has done nothing so now I just stay out of it. And hope for the best for them.....

Hawr-rible wrote:

Ok Karma, I sympathize. What a difficult situation but I must say you are a man of true integrity and faithfulness in the institute of marriage to have endured for so long. Is it possible she had some sort of childhood trauma that turned off to sex or intimacy?

I have a good friend- I'll call her Sheila. She is married to one of my good guy friends (I knew him first through my husband, but her and I got to be good friends once they started dating). So her husband has confided in my husband and I that he is in a sexless marriage- this was about 5 years ago. Sheila has said the same thing, and it is because of her. She says just doesn't like having sex, never gets turned on, never is in the mood. It actually bothers her but she doesn't know what to do about it. She comes from an extremely Catholic family, and she got knocked up by an abusive boyfriend when she was 20 and unmarried. As you can imagine, that didn't go over well with her religious family or her church community- she endured a lot of shame over that. I can't help but wonder if it didn't start there, because she was actually a bit promiscuous in her early college years, so she seemed to enjoy sex then. I've toyed with the idea that she may be gay because anytime she gets drunk when we are out having girls nights, she will out of nowhere kiss one us- intimately. So she must crave some sort of intimacy but not with her husband. She said she has watched porn and feels nothing, her libido is just damned near non-existent. She has no idea what to do- they have tried marriage counseling but so far it hasn't worked. The marriage is falling apart- they are both so angry with each other they barely speak a kind word to one another, even front of us friends. It's sad, and tragic, and divorce is inevitable I think. Both being Catholic neither one wants to be the one to "pull the plug" though, as it's going to be a big deal to their families if they do. It's a mess. 

So I guess at least you have some aspects of your relationship that are great, it certainly could be worse. But I hate that you feel so resigned to this life....I wish I had advice that you haven't already tried, but I don't. Any help I've given this couple has done nothing so now I just stay out of it. And hope for the best for them.....

 

Your friend is a lesbian.

Karma, I just hope that you know you deserve so much better. Perhaps when your child is out of the house, you can start to take the steps to ending this toxic relationship, and find a partner who truly values, respects, and desires you as well. You get ONE life. And I see so many spend theirs in quiet desperation, for years on end, and it makes my heart hurt. Your wife may be a nice, and a virtuous woman, but she has been very cruel to you I know you are not looking for sympathy, so I am giving you advice - get out when you are able. You're clearly a wonderful and selfless partner whodeserves someone equally wonderful and selfless. You deserve the chance to try to find them!

Well said, HP ❤️

Hawr-rible wrote:

Husbandpillow wrote:

Karma, I just hope that you know you deserve so much better. Perhaps when your child is out of the house, you can start to take the steps to ending this toxic relationship, and find a partner who truly values, respects, and desires you as well. You get ONE life. And I see so many spend theirs in quiet desperation, for years on end, and it makes my heart hurt. Your wife may be a nice, and a virtuous woman, but she has been very cruel to you I know you are not looking for sympathy, so I am giving you advice - get out when you are able. You're clearly a wonderful and selfless partner whodeserves someone equally wonderful and selfless. You deserve the chance to try to find them!

I really must agree- you are missing out on such a huge part of the human experience, and an intricate piece of being in love with someone. 
 

 
I miss someone being in love with me......I can honestly say that the intensity of my desire has never wained.

Don’t ever think of yourself as less then, Karma. Glad you feel comfortable here