cincella wrote:

Hawr-rible wrote:

Husbandpillow wrote:

Karma, I just hope that you know you deserve so much better. Perhaps when your child is out of the house, you can start to take the steps to ending this toxic relationship, and find a partner who truly values, respects, and desires you as well. You get ONE life. And I see so many spend theirs in quiet desperation, for years on end, and it makes my heart hurt. Your wife may be a nice, and a virtuous woman, but she has been very cruel to you I know you are not looking for sympathy, so I am giving you advice - get out when you are able. You're clearly a wonderful and selfless partner whodeserves someone equally wonderful and selfless. You deserve the chance to try to find them!

I really must agree- you are missing out on such a huge part of the human experience, and an intricate piece of being in love with someone. 
 

 
I think a sexless relationship is perfectly fine if both people are ok with it. Honestly sex is only a small peice of it.  You can be intimate in many other ways, like holding hand, snuggling, kissing and not be completely void of the human touch. So if he is ok with it also then whatever works for them right? People do put way to much expection on the (you must be having sex factor). Now if both parties don’t agree like the catholic lesbians husband lol they might want to consider ending it, or she needs to suck it up and toss the poor guy a bone once a month!!!! Very sad for her because she clearly is not into men if she gets drunk and makes out with chicks! I can say that none of my straight friends have gotten drunk and made out with each other outside of college frat parties!!! Now I have a friend who is completely A sexually had two children by insemination and has never in her life dated either sex.
That’s a whole other story!!!

I will say that for most men, including myself that sex is a larger piece of it than you may be acknowledging. That darned testosterone is powerful stuff. It makes us men stupid at times.

And, not to be cliche’ here but men generally receive validation of love through physical gratification more than women do. Mostly because we are still somewhat primal.

I agree that you do make some valid points. Thank you for your opinion.


 

Hawr-rible wrote:

Cincella- lol, Catholic lesbian! And yeah, no straight grown women are still kissing their friends past college- our group are huggers but she goes to far with the mouth kisses for sure. I had to firmly yet gently tell her I wasn't cool with that. My husband found it amusing but I was uncomfortable, I don't want to have "kissing friends" no matter what gender. 

Karma- I'm glad you have found an outlet here; I'm sure this has been quite the weight to carry for all these years....

 
There has been a group of you here that have made me feel very at home here (you included). I can not express my gratitude enough.

Karma wrote:

As far as the church goes. I too am Catholic.the subject of homosexuality has been taught to me is that God loves you. And, that all are welcome Regardless of your orientation, color, creed, or religion. That we are ALL in a perpetual state of sin during  this lifetime. And that the church is only here to help us be more Christ like in this life so that we can be in his glory in the next. Our lack of perfection is what separates us from God. Not any one thing is going to prevent us from his love. Though homosexuality is not encouraged, it is not admonished.

It is not always cut and dry. In fact, I had counsel with one of my priests over my own situation. And, he was much more stringent about it than anything dealing with being gay.  He stressed that as a couple that we were to give selflessly to one another. And, that I had proper grounds to request a divorce. (Not the answer that I expected). He also stated that his answer would be the same if the roles were reversed. And echoed Hawk-rible just said.

 
I am probably just echoing what others have said, but I hope that you find complete happiness and fulfillment from a partner again in your life.
When your kids are little, it is hard. Life is rushing at you and your partner tends to take a backseat (this is something my husband can attest to). There is a sweet spot though, once they’re three or four, where you start to feel yourself again, and i think that if more couples were willing to trudge through those tough years, you’d see a lower divorce rate.

That being said, I wish for you that your wife would be a little more attentive to your needs because you’re right - men are more primal, and that physical intimacy may be more important than it is to a woman. You are not less than, you deserve all the same fulfillment as the next. Thank you for being open with us! And please don’t leave 😳 this might be a serious convo but you bring us so much comedy and add a levity that only the male perspective could.

Karma - I've been following your story with great interest.  You're a true gentleman for staying and supporting your wife and daughter.  It's admirable and I would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes. 

Now, please show your daughter that healthy relationships and intimacy are important to both parties in a marriage.  I suspect your wife has taught her otherwise, either intentionally or not.  It's your time to find happiness now.  

Cincella, the sexless arrangement only works if that is the arrangement preferred and agreed upon by both parties. Not the case with Karma, but maybe it works for some other male/female relarionships, though I'd imagine they'd be much older. If a male is completely uninterested in sex, that usually indicates a health issue, like low testerone levels, which they are then medicated for.

youcaaango wrote:

Karma - I've been following your story with great interest.  You're a true gentleman for staying and supporting your wife and daughter.  It's admirable and I would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes. 

Now, please show your daughter that healthy relationships and intimacy are important to both parties in a marriage.  I suspect your wife has taught her otherwise, either intentionally or not.  It's your time to find happiness now.  

 
Your compliments are very much appreciated. I would like to think that I am the man that you perceive me to be. All I can say is that I have done the best that I know how.

Karma wrote:

Husbandpillow wrote:

Cincella, the sexless arrangement only works if that is the arrangement preferred and agreed upon by both parties. Not the case with Karma, but maybe it works for some other male/female relarionships, though I'd imagine they'd be much older. If a male is completely uninterested in sex, that usually indicates a health issue, like low testerone levels, which they are then medicated for.

 
You would be correct. I did not sign up for this plan, nor would I ever. Once our daughter was born, I had to prioritize what was truly important. That was providing all forms of support and love for my girls to have a stable and productive home life. That my daughter would break the “man hate” cycle that has been on my wife’s side of the family. To provide balance and strength for her so she could grow up to be a good human being. So far, I have succeeded. She is a wonderful young lady. And it was because she had the advantage of two loving parents.

Was it worth the sacrifice? Yes, without a doubt. Am I emotionally scarred beyond words? Yes, but I manned up and took care of business. Now, I have to deal with myself. And quite honestly, I have no idea where that will end up going.

Now a man hate cycle on her side if the family is whole other story! 

Karma wrote:

4 lesbians in the family. I am the sole surviving man in the whole bunch. Trust me when I say, I am overtly familiar with the lesbian community. The 4 of them are quite vocal about their dislike of all things penis.

 
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I have a lot of lesbian friends that dont hate all things penis but having sex with one( some have sex with men also) but I choose to not hang with angry feminist man haters. It’s deff not my thing.
Your wife my have issues because of this, I would push for counseling for you both.

Oh Karma my heart aches for you! I truly hope you find the love and happiness of all the aspects of a healthy relationship that you deserve! I do hope counseling can happen, however, perhaps—please no one come at me with forks and knives—what about an open marriage situation? I know it is not the norm. However this is such a dire situation perhaps your wife would be open to this type of agreement? They’ve had topics like this on WU before and some callers called in very happy and content with their arrangement.

Please just don’t waste your life being unfulfilled.

Karma wrote:

alittlebirdy wrote:

Oh Karma my heart aches for you! I truly hope you find the love and happiness of all the aspects of a healthy relationship that you deserve! I do hope counseling can happen, however, perhaps—please no one come at me with forks and knives—what about an open marriage situation? I know it is not the norm. However this is such a dire situation perhaps your wife would be open to this type of agreement? They’ve had topics like this on WU before and some callers called in very happy and content with their arrangement.

Please just don’t waste your life being unfulfilled.

 
Your concern is very heart warming. Thank you. You ladies are all so very kind. I am honored by your responses.

The open marriage thing, you all may think that I am insane, but I have never even considered it. I am a one woman type of guy. And if the roles were reversed, I would be devistated if she had to go somewhere else to fulfill her needs. I could never do that to her. Or anyone for that matter.

Besides, I obviously have disappointed one woman to the point of celibacy, who am I to do that to another. Not that there have been any stepping up to give it a try.

 
Karma- PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t take this on as something YOU have done as far as disappointing her into celibacy!! I wish we could call Dr. Wider right now because I 100% know she would say this is all on your wife...NOT YOU! Although I don’t know you personally, I have a feeling you’ve given your wife, daughter and marriage everything you’ve got and nothing else you could say or do would change your wife. IT’S HER...NOT YOU. So I would like to offer my piddly little advice (FWIW): since she won’t go to counseling, perhaps you can go on your own. At least talk to someone about everything you’ve shared with us and a trained professional can help you see that you really are important in all of this. And it’s not your fault. You count. We love you Karma!❤️

I made an attempt at bringing this subject up this evening. I did not go well. Perhaps it is time that I reflect on my outlook. She went to bed hours ago, and, I just took some NyQuil to try and get some sleep myself. I Need to sleep on it to clear my head.

Karma wrote:

I made an attempt at bringing this subject up this evening. I did not go well. Perhaps it is time that I reflect on my outlook. She went to bed hours ago, and, I just took some NyQuil to try and get some sleep myself. I Need to sleep on it to clear my head.

 
Might want to leave it be until after the holiday. In my experience bringing up sensitive subjects around holidays rarely goes well. Haha and if there's ever a good time to eat your feelings, Christmas is it!

It's sad that she's 35 and her entire life seems to revolve around drinking.

Holidays are weird and mixing families and traditions are just so difficult. I think mother/mother in laws are the culprit to not compromising. It’s literally caused me the most anxiety ever this year. And it’s not even with MY mIL and Mom. It’s my SIL and her situation and my MIL lack of understanding. I won’t go into details bc I don’t feel like getting worked up and crying. It’s seriously been so rough over here.

Families do get weird! Ours is super close, my Mom or one of her siblings does Christmas Eve, another does Christmas Day dinner, the third Boxing Day brunch. Switches every year, about 30 immediate family and 5-10 add ons. Been like this forever.

My cousins wife family has supposedly never dine much for Christmas, the first year she was like perfect, told her Mom to do dinner Boxing Day night. Next year, all hell broke lose, her Mom needed them there all three days. Christmas dinner is our only biggie, the rest are more open houses, she was just not budging though 😕