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So I will admit with shame that I'm not the most woke woman. I'm Hispanic and grew up raised to think the woman takes care of the man ad house and kids. My husband is older and subscribes to that mentality also. I subscribe less than I used but I have to put thought into it a lot. Like I wake up at 5:30 am to get the kids ready by myself and my husband sleeps in till 9, 10, sometimes 11am. He has a very flexible schedule. And I don't ask him for help, even though, its a lot for me on my own very early, bc A)i was raised to think, this is what the mother does, and B) the ensuing fight would not be worth it and he would not change. In my house, its just the woman's job. One day this will change, but right now is not the right time.
But this community is a community of very "woke" women and so I want everyone's advice. I realize how badly I sound so I want to learn and improve. Please don't make me feel worse.
I realize woman should and can wear whatever they want and they still don't deserve it. But as a mother of a daughter, I would not want her seeking attention by going out in itty bitty clothes. But if a woman goes out looking trashy and provocative, and we aren't suppose to call woman slutty or shame them, (Which 1000% agree with) what do we tell our daughters? Don't dress for attention like that but also, its the boy's jobs to not look at you, even though itty bitty clothes is calling for attention?
(don't ream me!! I'm really trying to learn and grow)
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Here's my feeling on the clothing thing - its not even about "shaming" or "asking for it", its about your personal/family values and coming to terms with reality, which isn't always fair. I fully judge when I see girls in the short shorts that are so small you can literally see their cheeks hanging out the bottom. I would never say anything to them about it because its not my business, but I won't wear it and wouldn't let my daughter (if I had one) dress that way. I think just a simple "we don't dress that way in our family, when you're grown up you can dress how you want but as long as you're under our roof, these are the rules." That's how my parents handled it with me.
Also, in a perfect world you should be able to dress however you want free of consequence. But in reality, as unfair as it may be, that isn't the case. You may garner unwanted attention if you dress in an exceedingly revealing/provocative manner, that's just a fact that will likely never change. Likewise, I should be able to walk down any dark alley in any city alone at 2 AM without getting mugged or otherwise accosted, but I think we can all agree that while I'm well within my rights to do so, it may not be a wise choice and I'm probably increasing the risk of an incident by making that choice. Its not fair that I feel like I need to have my keys between my fingers when I leave work late at night, but I do it in the interest of self preservation.
No one should shame you for your post or lifestyle. I think the true message of feminism has gotten lost over the years. Women should be able to choose how they want to live their lives - even if that way is very traditional.
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Women should be able to wear what they want and not be judged, and while it’s changing, we aren’t there yet. It’s so hard to teach that, it’s a double edged sword...be you, but be careful who that is, I don’t envy anyone raising daughters.
Instead of telling her what to and not to wear, I would focus on other traits. How smart she is, what does look good in her, things she’s good at. I think if you make a deal out of what you don’t want, it’s more likely to become an issue.
I’m not putting your choices down at all, but I just had this conversation with a friend the other day. Your daughter is learning from you, and seeing what your role is in the marriage. If you do want a bit of a change/help, approach your husband that way. “I want Suzy to know that a marriage is equal parts and that she doesn’t need to run the house all on her own if she wants to explore other paths, I would love if you could help with the morning routine so that she’s sees were a partenership!”
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I am Russian, my parents are Russian Immigrants from 27 years ago, and I came to this country when I was 11 & traveled back to Russia many times. Russian culture is very, very similar to where you are coming from. To this day, my mom dresses my dad (lays out his clothes for him) and cooks, cleans and brings him coffee and food. I am married to an american, who cooks and brings me coffee!! ( I can dress myself. lol)
but what I am trying to say, although my grandmother thinks i'm a bad "Russian woman" b/c I don't cook, or do absurd things like ironing EVERYTHING - I grew up in America. Growing up, I was influenced by my roots and also by the culture around me. I know I didn't want a "traditional" household, I wanted to make money and be a complete person. While searching for a partner, I knew I wanted someone who wanted to be a team. So I think your daughter will see that.
As for dressing "slutty" - well the European culture is very similar to that as well. Women are very much sexualized and its frustrating and makes me very, very angry. Its a very "old country" way of thinking, women are to be pretty, and do "home things" to make the man's life easier...but honestly, she will figure it out. Let her express herself.
I too have a daughter now and I often worry about that stuff. But I think as long as I raise her to be a strong, educated woman she will not want to dress like that. I am not saying those girls are broken, but a lot of them are. They are seeking a man's approval for attention. and I think if she is raised to be self confident, with a dad who loves her and is around...then she probably won't end up wearing bootie shorts and a bikini top with clear heels....and if she does, it won't be to look for the "wrong attention" if you know what I mean
okay, enough with my rant. Hope I was able to help in any way....this board is pretty great with a lot of great ladies and gents who are able to chime in on this as well.
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I'm sure you will get great advice from these Lil Effers - this is a safe place where opinions are valued and I'm sure you will get a variety of thoughtful responses. I don't really have the answer to this but it made me think of a great Twitter thread I saw yesterday. I'll try to find it, but basically a woman asked her many followers what they would do if all men had a 9:00pm curfew. The answers were staggering - simple things like sleep with the windows open, run at night, go shopping in peace and quiet, live where ever you wanted and could afford, etc. It made me so sad. I wish I could give my daughters a different world, one where they could do the most basic things without worrying (or me worrying about them).
Sorry for the detour, it's been heavy on my mind today.
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This is the Twitter question, I read it a few weeks ago, it’s pretty heartbreaking.
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I have no advice as to what you could tell your daughter, as I am not a mother myself.
I am a daughter though, and I think I would want my mom to just support me.
I have learned that people are going to judge every single thing about you. Not only what you wear, but your hair, your body, the things you eat, where and what you study in college, if you even went to college, where you work... you get the idea.
So I think it's more important to do whatever makes you happy, because life is very short and I'd rather enjoy it. Plus, people judging me for something says more about how the view themselves, not how they feel about me.
Also - I dont' know if it's fair to assume people wear "itty bitty clothing" for attention. I know that every female I know, including myself, dresses to impress myself and other females. Guys don't know style, brands or what is in. I know that when I go out, I'd rather get a compliment from a female than a male. But that's just me.
Last edited by BathiesTime (10/12/2018 12:31 pm)
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BathiesTime wrote:
I have no advice as to what you could tell your daughter, as I am not a mother myself.
I am a daughter though, and I think I would want my mom to just support me.
I have learned that people are going to judge every single thing about you. Not only what you wear, but your hair, your body, the things you eat, where and what you study in college, if you even went to college, where you work... you get the idea.
So I think it's more important to do whatever makes you happy, because life is very short and I'd rather enjoy it. Plus, people judging me for something says more about how the view themselves, not how they feel about me.
Also - I dont' know if it's fair to assume people wear "itty bitty clothing" for attention. I know that every female I know, including myself, dresses to impress myself and other females. Guys don't know style, brands or what is in. I know that when I go out, I'd rather get a compliment from a female than a male. But that's just me.
I second you on this, especially the itty bitty clothing thing! I'm a short, fairly petite woman and fashion is not designed with shrimp-y people in mind. I have the damnedest time finding shorts, dresses, and skirts that aren't a little shorter than I would like them to be when I need a size small. Most shorts I have to buy the women's junior size to make them fit well, without being too big, too baggy, or stupid-lookingly too long. So I wear what fits the best and flatters me the most, regardless of whether people will find them too short for their comfort, or even "slutty" or "attention seeking". I'm not slutty- been married for 13 years, not soliciting sex from any dudes, trust me. I'd love to wear a maxi dress, would LOVE to, but they are too long for my short body and drag on the floor. I have to stick with shorter skirted dresses. When it's hot out, I'm in shorts that are pretty short- it is what it is. If anyone judges me for it, well, that's their problem, I guess. I don't let my cleavage hang out everywhere, that's something I can control, so I do my best to dress fairly conservatively while still wearing clothes I like, that fit, and will look good on me.
And as far as my 11 year old daughter goes, she wears what is in style and what we can find in the stores- l know leggings are a hot button issue, but she loves them, they are what's "in" and that's what is being sold in stores right now. So she wears them, and there is nothing wrong with that. She is not sexual in any way- she's still a child. If anyone sexualizes her because of her clothing, that's on them, they need to change their thinking and point of view.
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Oh boy, where to start....